i know how it feels [darkthorn]

[starlingpaw.]

Purple streaks dappled the darkening blue sky, while some gold and yellow spots told where the beautiful sun once was on the low horizon. The sun had sunk into the little river just outside of RiverClan's camp not too long ago, and the dark apprentice watched it all. She felt nothing toward it but coldness. Starlingpaw, the blue-eyed she-cat, wasn't a very emotional cat. She didn't like anything - she was known for being the common nowadays apprentice. Talkative, rude, angry, and cold. All of those described the young apprentice. Shaking her head, her mind thought hazily, Howlingsong had her kits about two weeks ago. I won't go see them or her. Stupid kits. Stupid Howlingsong and Darkthorn. I hate them both. The apprentice growled angrily, showing small white teeth. Her mentor, Stagshadow, who was now RiverClan's deputy, didn't seem to be a fan of her. Or maybe he was pretending not to like her. Either way, Starlingpaw thought he was just a big brute - all muscles, no brain. She knew that she shouldn't be thinking like that about her Clan's deputy, but it was true. Or at least she believed it to be. What had mom named her kits? And how many had she had? Starlingpaw racked her brain, trying so hard to remember. In the past two weeks, she'd been trying hard to avoid her family and mentor. It had been fairly easy to not see or talk to them all. Stagshadow was busy being deputy, Darkthorn loved his new kits better than his old, and Howlingsong was being... well, Howlingsong. Stuck in the nursery with a bunch of whining, defenseless kits. That was no way to live. She's put me and Blackpaw through so much pain! She doesn't deserve me! Neither does Darkthorn. She wondered how her brother was feeling toward this. While she was working on staying away from seven cats, she'd managed to become distant with Blackpaw. They were the only apprentices now, so she thought that their relationship wouldn't change. But it had become only worse. They hardly talked anymore.

Starlingpaw didn't like to show her emotions publicly. She'd much rather curl up in a ball somewhere only she knew and just lay there for days and days if she was unhappy. Around other cats, she either appeared bright or just blank. It depended on her mood. If she was feeling something, like angry, she appeared delighted and cheerful to her Clanmates. But it she was perhaps feeling just slightly sad, she'd look expressionless. The black apprentice didn't like showing others how she felt. It was embarrassing to her, and was rare if it happened. With a small huff, Starlingpaw looked up at the sky. It was growing dark and cold, the freezing air shocking her like huge thorns. There was just one thin line of light purple in the sky, and the rest was dark blue. Stars started to come out, and she was reminded of StarClan. Were they still watching over her? Were they unhappy with her? Starlingpaw wasn't exactly the best cat in the world. Probably one of the worse. Howlingsong had four kits, she remembered with a jolt. Someone in the Clan told me. She named them... Sparrowkit, Slatekit, Zerokit, and Riverkit. One she-cat and three toms. I hope she has better luck with them, because I'll never forgive her or Darkthorn. They don't deserve to have any sort of good relationship with me. The little she-cat snorted, blue eyes flashing icily. Her "kit-fur", as Nightclaw of ShadowClan had put it, was slowly growing out. Now it was duller and not as soft as it used to be. That was okay - Starlingpaw didn't care about her beauty much. As long as she trained okay, Stagshadow was proud of her, and her family stayed out of her way, she was happy. She didn't feel too good, though, when Nightclaw had called her a kit not too long ago. Starlingpaw looked over her smaller shoulders, remembering that her paws had carried her to the Horseplace. The horses weren't out - probably in their barn - but she had a flicker of fear in her heart at the thought of getting crushed under those granite-like paws. Hoofs, rather. With her back toward WindClan territory, Starlingpaw watched as the sun set and died completely. It was truly nighttime now. But the RiverClan apprentice wasn't frightened - she welcomed the night like her own brother. She blended into it well, and if there was any night attacks or hunting, she'd surely win or get the most prey. She loved her black pelt - it was her camouflage. It was useful in all seasons for it's own reasons. She'd always have it. But not Howlingsong, Darkthorn, and their kits. They'll never have me back... she thought. She still couldn't get over that her own parents and siblings hated her.

[Darkthorn]

Darkthorn

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So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

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A grey and white pelt slipped across the Riverclan camp, moving silentlyand stealthily into the entrance and out into the territory. No one questions the tom departing the camp. No one asked the shy silent Darkthorn where he was going. His second litter of kits had just recently been born, two weeks old exactly. He smiled to himself. A dusk hunt was just what he needed. He loved the silence of the fields, broken only by the rushing of the river and streams near by. HE slipped into the stream and crossed quickly sliding out elegantly on the other side and shaking the water from his fur. He flicked the last drops of water from his ears when a scent hit his nose, and an ache erupted in his heart. Starlingpaw She was out here alone. Her trail led toward the horseplace, and worry struck him. He should go after her...but would she even talk to him. He sighed and shook his head. She hates me...She's never going to forgive me. He started moving allowing his paws to lead him wherever as he thougth over the last few moons. His first litter of kits, Blackpaw and Starlingpaw had become apprentices, shunned him and had avoided him, casting only hate-filled glances toward him and the nursery when they got the chance. His heart ached to make things right, but his fear held him back.

He paused by the stream, farther up from the camp, about halfway to the horse place and looked into the water. A shadow moved quickly, without meaning to his paw struck into the water quick as a lightning bolt and curled around the slippery body of a fish. He pulled his paw back flipping the fish into the air. He bunched his muscled and leaped into the air landing neatly on four paws the fish still squirming with life in his jaws. it's tail almost smacking his ears as it fought for it's life. He killed it quickly and set of softly toward the horse place, carrying the prey. Perhaps if I bring a peace offering He thought. He could barely see the outline of his daughter in the fading rays of the sunlight. Her black pelt ,which had caused so much anger in his heart at first sight, blended into the shadows with such perfect ease he was reminded again that Black fur didn't run in his family. He pushed the thought immediately from his head. He couldn't dwell on that now. He padded up beside Starlingpaw and laid the fish in front of her crouching down about two mouse lengths from her. He tucked his paws under his chest and fluffed his grey patched fur out against the chill of the coming leaf-bare. "I do love the black of night." He mewed softly looking out over the Horse place.

He could hear the soft munching of the animals a good distance away. He could also hear the soft deep breathing as they slept in the field. He was also acutely aware of his daughters breath and pelt so close to his. "Have some fish, you deserve it you've been working so hard Howlingsong and I have barely seen you." He brought the subject up tentitavely. he knew she'd been avoiding them. He knew she wasn't interested in her new siblings, he couldn't really blame her...he hadn't been the best father to her, and he could see how his attempt to be a better father now, could send pangs of jealousy and anger flaring through her pelt. He waited nervously his heart pounding in his chest. He wanted so desperately to set things right with his kits. He knew that the likelihood that she would stick around and talk to him, or even acknowledge him was slim. She may even get angry, which he wouldn't mind because at least in her anger he saw himself.

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright

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(Lyrics credit to "Back to December" by Taylor Swift)

[starlingpaw.]

The new night that had come was very beautiful. Distant stars were twinkling dimly, but the moon was bright and nearly full. I hope Crimsonstar chooses me to go to the Gathering later. I haven't been an apprentice long, but I think I deserve to go. Deserve to go? Anyone but Starlingpaw should be able to go! She had already gotten into a border fight with ShadowClan, the night that she was made a 'paw. Blackpaw should be able to go, not her. But, of course, Starlingpaw thought she was the best cat alive. She was. Starlingpaw was the best apprentice, would make the greatest warrior, and the coolest leader. My leader name would sound funny, though, she thought bitterly with a slight scowl on her face. Fish-brain Howlingsong had to name me that. Starlingstar. What kind of name is that? She ruined my chance for becoming leader, that little... She cursed her mom out all of the names under the sun, then snorted angrily. At least her brother had a decent name, even though it was overused and plain. Maybe once he became RiverClan's leader then she could be his deputy. I wouldn't mind being deputy. It's better than being leader. Who would want to lead a bunch of fat fish, anyway? I sure don't want to lead my family. If one of them is in trouble, I'll look their way with a delighted grin, then walk away. Serves them right, those no good beasts, those worthless excuses for cats. The black apprentice growled lightly, blue eyes shimmering again. All of her frustration was coming from Darkthorn, Howlingsong, and their idiotic kits. I bet they like their new kits better since me and Blackpaw turned out backs on them. I bet they don't care two fish tails about us anymore.

She snapped out of her thoughts when she saw a streak of white through the dark purple. In a flash, she recognized it as none other than Darkthorn. Just the cat that she didn't want to see. Why'd you show up? To rub it in my face about your new litter? Like I care about you or your mate or your kits! Starlingpaw grew rigid, eyes grew distant and cold, just like the stars above her head. She eyed him carefully, trying not to let him notice that they were trained on him. When he came closer, she saw that he was holding a fish in his jaws. The apprentice sat up straighter, glaring at him with hostile eyes now. It was clear that she hated him. "What are you doing here?" she growled, her voice sounding like a million thorns. But he set the fish down in front of her and curled down a couple mouse lengths ahead with his paws tucked in. Then he commented about the night and suggested she eat some fish. Starlingpaw paused, thinking about what he had said over and over again in her mind. Should she even talk to him? She played out a few things in her head, but none of them seemed interesting enough. None of them made Darkthorn walk away, either. She waited a moment longer, still debating. Then she finally decided. With a quiet yet disgusted yowl, she snapped, "Why would I want to eat your prey that you caught...?!" Vile piece of Twoleg trash. You disgust me. That was obviously shown with an angered flick of her bushy black tail. StarClan just had to send the one cat that she disliked, did they? They were a rude gang of cats. Just like her family, besides Blackpaw. "You haven't seen me because I've been trying to avoid you," she growled harshly but very quietly, icy blue eyes flashing. She wasn't going to lie to him - and perhaps the truth would chase him away. And make him and the rest of those mongrels that she called family stay. "But then you just had to find me out here, didn't you? Figures that you would, Darkthorn." She wasn't going to bother calling him dad or father. She hoped he noticed that. The apprentice flicked her tail coldly, then muttered, "It's too late for your forgiveness. Howlingsong's too. You should have thought about that earlier." He rarely thinks at all. She looked down at the fish that he'd caught for her. She turned up her nose at it with a scowl, even though she hadn't eaten since that morning. But then her stomach growled, and she was having second thoughts whether or not to take the fish.

[Darkthorn]

Darkthorn

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I'm not looking for a fight now,
And I don't care who's wrong or right now,

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He stared out over the horse place his paws warming under his chest. As Starlingpaw spoke, he winced flicking his tail slightly, knwoingshe was trying to drive her away, because she hated him. He sighed and looked at the ground in front of him. "I know you've been avoiding us Starlingpaw." He said softly, gently, he didn't want to push her any further away from him than she already was. They may as well be in different clans, but something pushed him on, giving him courage. He wanted to be a part of her life, wanted to be part of her story, help her fulfill her dreams,whatever they may be. A pang of sorrow hit him when he realised he didn't know what her dreams were. He didn't know what she wanted out of life, didn't know anything about her really, more then her name, and her fierce love for her sibling, Blackpaw. He didn't turn to look at her, he didn't want to lose his nerve. "I didn't follow you...not really. I came out for a little peace and quiet, noticed your scent trail and..." He paused trying to think how he could tell her what he wanted to say, without sounding overbearing. "And came to see if you were alone. I wanted to talk." He finished hoping that was sufficient. He didn't want to say he'd come to check on her, which he had, he didn't want to say he'd followed her, though he had. He did want to talk, but he wanted to keep peace, He didn't want to fight.

He flicked his tail and brought it around beside him brushing away the dew that was staring to gather on the grass. It soaked his tail but he didn't complain. Her merely pulled his tail around his body and let it it dry against his fur. he flicked his ears back and heard her stomach growl and smiled lightly. "It's not like I poisoned the fish. It's no different than eating something I caught from the freshkill pile. And I know you must be hungry." He said calmly flicking his ears back forward. Though his words were calm and seemed confident his heart banged against his chest reminding him of all the times he'd failed her before. All those moons he had been out of her life. All those milestones he'd missed.He'd missed her eyes opening, her ears opening, her first trip out of the nursery, her first tooth, her first fall, her first bite of freshkill. He shook his head. This was no time to look at the past. He knew he'd done wrong, but he wanted to move forward, if she wanted to move forward with him, great...if not he would leave her in peace. He wanted her to know, by the end of this night, that he loved her, that he was proud of her, and that he was sorry. He didn't know exactly how to get that conversation underway when she was being so hostile. His heart hung with guilt. Doesn't she have a RIGHT to be hostile? To hate you Darkthorn? Look at how you've treated her. You don't deserve a second chance, you don't desreve to have a second litter. A second daughter to have a second chance with. He flicked the thoughts away with a shift of his ears and waited truing to keep his fur flat and his heart from exploding from his chest.

So release the dove into flight now,
So we can start right now,

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(Lyrics Credit to"Start Now" by Rancid)

[starlingpaw.]

Well when you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay

The black RiverClan apprentice rolled her flashing blue eyes angrily. With a quiet snarl, Starlingpaw unsheathe her long, pale white claws dangerously. She flicked them over the grass, pain twisting her heart. I remember when we used to like each other... she thought, growing even more cold. Her eyes narrowed and her tail twitched uneasily. But those days are over. I'm going to say this once in my life, that I was wrong. That's the only time I ever will be. I was wrong to love my father and he was wrong to love me. We aren't supposed to be together and love each other like a father and daughter should. We're complete opposites. Plus he doesn't deserve me. It was probably Starlingpaw that didn't deserve Darkthorn, but she didn't yet realize that. Her father was reaching out for her, but she was completely ignoring him like he was a ThunderClan warrior. It was just the way Starlingpaw was though, and she didn't know that Darkthorn only meant good now. Then she looked up, sheathed her claws, and glared at her father with dark, deathly eyes. His words went through one ear then out the other. "Well, if it's so obvious that I'm trying to avoid you, why not be the good little father you've always been and leave me alone? You did seem to have a problem with that with I was younger." Her voice sounded bored and was full of sarcasm. She even threw in a sweet yet devilishly horrifying smirk that matched her voice completely. "If you weren't following me, I'd appreciate it if you left me alone. Thank-you very much," Starlingpaw growled lightly, ending her words with a dignified snort. Her hackles began to raise, showing how much she disliked Darkthorn and how uncomfortable she felt around him. "Maybe I don't want to talk to you," Starlingpaw spat with a furious hiss. Why can't he just leave me alone? I hate him! I'll never forgive him, not ever!

Then she eyed the fish carefully. It looked so good... her mouth began to water. But she refused to give in, so she turned up her nose at it again. Then Starlingpaw pushed it right into Darkthorn's paws without touching him. It was like the black apprentice thought he had a disease or something else bad. She saw him smile when he heard her stomach growl, but she clenched her teeth, deciding not to say anything on the topic. Normally she would have hissed at the cat or clawed it's ears off. Why didn't she? The RiverClan cat was growing a bit tired, and as the night calmed and the sun was finally set, it grew very cold. "You can have it," she muttered simply. I can always wait to eat until the morning. It's not that bad to have a night without eating. It's just food, after all. After a moment she lied under her breath, but it was loud enough for him to hear, "That's why I smell the prey before I eat it. Then I can know who caught it." It was possible that she ate something that he caught, and she was disgusted with herself for not checking. She wanted to claw her ear for not listening to herself. "You've been spending so much time with my replacements," Starlingpaw hissed, "that you probably haven't hunted in days." The apprentice stood up on her paws, just staring at the gray-and-white tom. What could he see in her eyes? Hopefully not the pain that shook her whole body. With her blackened head low, she stalked angrily past him without a word.

And maybe when you get back
I'll be off to find another way

[Darkthorn]

Darkthorn

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I know I wasn't there
When you needed me the most

Her words cut him to the core and he closed his eyes trying to quell the fear inside him. She's right...why am I up here?This is just a waste of time...NO! I have to try. He forced the thoughts from his head attempting to keep the battle from showing on his face. He flashed his eyes open determination showing in them. He looked down at the fish at his paws and the up at his daughters eyes. To his regret and despair he did not just see anger and resentment, that he could have handled, but behind that, he saw pain reflected in her blue gaze. His heart lurched and ached for the pain he had caused her. He flicked his ears and looked away from her tears welling in his eyes. He didn't want her to think he was weak. He brushed them away forcefully with his tail, hoping she didn't notice as she walked away. Walked away?! He stood ignoring her comment about the fresh kill pile. You've been spending so much time with my replacements...that you probably haven't hunted in days. That seized his heart and made it ache all the more for the pain he'd caused her. See you are good at something...causing pain to those you care about...mousebrain. She's never going to forgive you. He shook his head again. He couldn't let her walk away. He racked his brain for anything he could say, something to get her to turn around. Anything to keep her there. "No one can replace you." The words were out before he realized what they were. He knew that wasn't going to go over well.

He quickly continued trying to make up for the moons he'd been absent though he knew he couldn't...not in one night, not in one conversation. He couldn't force her to forgive him, he couldn't force her to love him. All he could do is love her, and try and reach out to her. Be there if she ever turned around. He wasn't going to stop pursuing her. He loved her to much. "I know i've screwed up, I know I can't make it right, I'm not asking you to forgive me. I'm not asking for you to pretend like nothing happened. I've hurt you deeper than anycat knows and I hate that." He flicked his tail and sighed trying to swallow, but his mouth was too dry. Conflict was not his strong suit. He forced himself to feel the ground under his paws, digging his claws into the ground to keep his legs from shaking. "I hate that I've been a horrible father, and I don't blame you for hating me..I never could. I care to much about you Starlingpaw. No one can take your place in my heart, no matter how much you hate it." With that he glanced at the fish. should he leave it or take it...should he even leave yet. He dind't want to. He wanted this to magically be fixed. he hated conflict, and he hated being afraid of his own daughter, but he knew that if she turned on him, he wouldn't do anything to defend himself. "I'd deserve every blow anyway." He said so softly he wasn't sure if she heard, not that he cared.

I know I didn't care
and was afraid to get so close

(Lyrics Credit to "I'm Sorry" by Tommy Reeve)

[starlingpaw.]

Starlingpaw yawned tiredly. Everything wasn't going according to plan, it was making her very dizzy. From the start she had expected Darkthorn to just walk away from her once he figured out that she hated him. But her so-called father actually wanted something to do with her now, and was very persistent. She wasn't acting like her normal self, either. For some reason she seemed older and... well, different. Starlingpaw just wasn't the same. And part of her wanted to forgive the gray-and-white tom, while the other wanted to claw his eyes out. She was having her own war inside of her, and it was started to show on the outside. That's where the pain came from. She didn't care about Darkthorn. Not one bit. But the mouse-brained part of her just wanted to stop fighting, lay down, and give in. That wasn't her. The only thing stopping her from attacking her own father was that her long, white claws dug into the soil in anger. She was rooted to the ground before Darkthorn attempted to make her stay. Well, I'm not going anywhere, sweety, she thought, bright blue eyes cross. The black apprentice was becoming frantic because she realized that Darkthorn saw her pain. Maybe he smelled the denial in the air - couldn't she? Or was that her imagination? I hate him. I always will. I'll never forgive him, she pondered wildly. She couldn't even believe herself, which was pathetic. Usually she always thought she was right - but this time she was wrong. She cared for her father, and it was tearing her apart because she really didn't want to.

"Well, it looks like you already have. Your new kits mean more to you than me and Blackpaw." Starlingpaw thought it was obvious, but apparently he didn't think so. She rolled her eyes, then turned around to face her father. Her eyes drew distant, like the stars, cold, yet somehow expressionless. "Good. I'm not going to forgive you. I hate you and I hope you know it. You screwed up. You're right," she meowed, a snarl starting to form on her lips. Then she continued, "I'm not going to pretend like nothing happened, because it did. I hate you and Howlingsong and I never want to talk to you two again. I won't even recognized you as my parents. You aren't my parents - you're just two idiotic, pathetic cats in my Clan. That's all you ever will be, and I don't care if you tell Howlingsong about this. She's too busy with those little kits of yours, anyway. Why aren't you spending time with them right now? What made you go after me? I know you followed me; do I look like a fish-brain? To you I must - and like I said, I am your replacement." Starlingpaw snorted at him. "Make a good little girl out of Sparrowkit, will you? I don't know if Blackpaw loathes you like I do, but if he does, make good boys out of Slatekit, Zerokit, and Riverkit. Do all you can to keep them with you, because we're already gone. As far as I'm concerned, you and Howlingsong are dead to me." Starlingpaw tried to run away after she was done, but she was frozen stiff. But what she did manage to growl was, "Oh, really? So if I blinded you right now you wouldn't mind the least bit?" She unsheathed her long claws dangerously, flicking them over blades of grass. Well, he asked for it. Even still, she knew she could never kill her father, or even attack him for that matter.

[Darkthorn]

Darkthorn

I'm sorry for your pain
I'm sorry for your tears

His mind flashed back to the moment his first kits were born. Blackkit, and Starlingkit. seeing their dark pelts had sent him into a rage. His parents, though loyal riverclan cats, had always prided themselves that their lines had never been mixed with black pelts, they always said taht that was a connection to Shadowclan, and he'd always tried to live up to that standard. he'd always hated Shadowclan and felt a bit of Superiority over the cats whom had darker pelts. He'd mostly gotten over that, realizing that lineage didn't determine loyalty. But when He;d seen the bony fur on his kits, it had brought back all those memories, and his anger hadn't really been at Howlingsong but at himself. he'd felt he'd disappointed his parents, or that they had lied to him. He wasn't sure which was worse. Shaking the memory from his head he was thrown back into reality, knowing that this episode, his pride, his past, had cost him his daughters respect, love, and loyalty. Her words burned his pelt like fire, and he flicked his ears back pinning them to his skull feeling them burn with embarrassment. He hated that he was letting her scold him, but what she said was true, he deserved every lashing she could give him, be it physical, emotional, or mental. He deserved it and he knew it.

Her eyes, cold and expressionless, seemed to bore into his soul. he tried to hold her gaze, but the shame he felt, and the fear of this conversation forced him to look away. he looked at the fish again, it's eye seeming to stare him down, challenging him "Can't even stand up to your own daughter? You're so pathetic." He blinked and looked away from the fish, trying to gather his resolve, trying to keep his body from shaking with anxiety. As her barrage of anger and pain filled words seemed to come to an end he heard her state several things that forced him to look at his new litter. "Do all you can to keep them with you, because we're already gone." Her words cut him, like a claw to his chest, and he wanted nothing than to retreat and give in, but he had to make her understand...she of all cats may understand his fears...He needed to tell someone, he couldn't keep his suspicious to himself. He hadn't seen Shimmerlilly in days, so he couldn't talk to her, and no matter how much he wanted to talk to Howlingsong, he knew she wouldn't take his fears seriously. Starlingpaw's next words shook him to his core, his heart lurched with fear, and anguish and he took a sharp breath, as if he'd been clawed unexpectedly. "As far as I'm concerned, you and Howlingsong are dead to me."

And yet there she stood, seemingly rooted to the spot. He could feel the anger coming off her in waves and it threatened to knock him over. He took a step backwards, and felt his legs shake slightly. He dug his claws into the solid ground forcing his heart to slow down. He needed to tread carefully here. He flicked his ears forward as she growled her threat and he sighed. "Starlingpaw..." He spoke her name tenderly, lovingly, realizing that he'd never spoken to her in such a manner. His words had always been of challenge, or anger, or bitterness. "Starlingpaw..." He repeated again in the same tone before going on "If it would take away your pain I would gladly be blinded a thousand times. If it would mean I felt half the pain I dealt you, I would gladly take it." He shook his head slowly, closing his eyes, and thinking calmly about his next words. His sea green eyes flashed with determination again, and he felt his heart beat strengthen and steady him. "I know there is nothing I can do that will change how you feel, no way I can make up for the things I've done. I have no excuse good enough nor do I deserve to give you one." he paused glancing once more at the fish beside him. "Yes I followed you because I knew you were alone. Yes I wanted a chance, a chance to try and build a new relationship with you."

He flicked his ears forward and back, not knowing where he wanted to go next. He'd come up here, with an idea, but this wasn't going as he'd planned. He'd thoguht she would be at least willing to hear him out. willing to think about forgiving him. Her blatant hatred, and unwillingness to change, made him all the more confused about why he'd thought this would be so easy. How dare you think you can come up and just waltz back into her life. She's an apprentice for Starclan's sake...she doesn't need you, she has a mentor now. Again he forced the thoughts from his head, shaking them away like drops of rain from his ears. "I just...I want to be a part of your life...I know I don't deserve that courtesy. Even if I'm just another warrior in Riverclan. I just want to know you." He flicked his tail and forced himself to sit again. and wrapped his tail around his paws to hide their shaking. Oh how he wanted to tell his secret fears to someone. He had no idea why he felt Starlingpaw was a good idea, but he did. his gut had drawn him up here. He knew if she attacked he wouldn't fight back, not only that, he'd make up some story, and keep her out of it. He wouldn't let her get into trouble.

for all the little things i didn't know
I'm sorry for the words I didn't say

(Lyrics Credit to "I'm Sorry" by Tommy Reeve)

Ooc: I just couldn't stop writing...=) I love Darkthorn.

[starlingpaw.]

Where were you when I needed you the most? Starlingpaw thought, eying her so-called father. She remembered, when she was around two moons old, asking for Darkthorn and why they didn't have a dad. Howlingsong had kept him a secret from her two kits, which was something she didn't understand at the time. But now she did. Which one is the bad guy? she wondered suddenly. Right now it seemed like Howlingsong was. She had kept them from seeing Darkthorn - he didn't choose it, did he? Starlingpaw shook herself crazily. The new thought in her mind bugged her, but it seemed like it was true. Darkthorn was okay. Darkthorn was good. Maybe Darkthorn had argued with Howlingsong because he was worried that she'd had kits with a tom from ShadowClan? Black pelts did tend to run with that Clan, and perhaps he was just upset and suspicious that she'd run off with another tom. What if I've been wrong this whole time? Howlingsong sure does seem like the bad one here. Maybe Darkthorn thinks so, too. She paused for a moment, thinking some things over. At least Darkthorn was attempting to make their relationship better - her mother didn't even try! Didn't that make him the bigger cat? The better one? I think he deserves to have me in his life. Howlingsong doesn't, though. I think he's proved himself worthy of my trust. Starlingpaw wondered all of the sudden what her father liked, where he hunted the most, who is friends were, and all of his thoughts. They'd never gotten to know each other all of those moons. And since she'd been avoiding him lately, that had only made things worse. For once, the black apprentice had felt ashamed.

His words were smooth and adoring. Starlingpaw rarely felt sympathy, it hardly occurred. She hated the feeling and disliked it more when cats could guess she was feeling it. But right now she felt compassion toward Darkthorn. He was trying all he could to get his daughter back, but it just wasn't working. The RiverClan she-cat longed to reach out to him, but what if he had already changed his mind? Or given up? She sighed quietly. Everything was happening so quickly - first she wanted nothing to do with her dad and now she was forgiving him. Bright blue eyes sparkled with... what? What was this emotion? Love? No... not quite yet. It was forgiveness that brightened her light eyes. They were shining in the utter darkness like the sun or the stars. "Darkthorn..." she meowed quietly, a small smile on her face. His words had surprisingly touched her, making her want to forgive him even more. "Darkthorn, it's okay. I forgive you."

Those three words! They shocked her with great powers that she couldn't even speak herself. Imagine what he was feeling! But Starlingpaw had to speak to her father. For once in those long seven moons going without one, she just had to. She'd had a mother, but now she didn't. But Darkthorn... She was glad she had him. "But I won't forgive Howlingsong." She moved closer to the gray-and-white tom and stared up at him. There was no longer bitterness or coldness in her soft eyes... love, compassion, and forgiveness was mixed in there, booming out like thunder. She wasn't angry with her mother... she should be though. But she still didn't want to speak with her... she had Darkthorn now, anyway. She purred happily. "That's okay. Howlingsong didn't even try to talk with me, but you did. That just shows how much you care about me." She grinned widely, something that she never did before. "I want to known you, too."

[Darkthorn]

Darkthorn

Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song

He flicked his ears back the silence starting to eat at his nerve. He couldn't read her eyes because he couldn't look at them. He couldn't tell what she was thinking because he didn't know her that well. He flicked his tail tip back and forth trying to figure out what to do next. The silence ate at his heart, suffocating him like thick fur. The darkness seemed to close around him sucking him in, he felt like his world was spinning out of control, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He dug his claws into the ground again and closed his eyes. He sucked in a deep breath trying to still his churning stomach. Wait did she just say my name? His eyes shot open wide and full of surprise. His ears flew forward and his mouth dropped open slightly. Was that a smile on her face? She's going to kill you...this is it you're dead. His mind whirled with confusion, and fear. Wait...What? Her voice was soft and gentle as she spoke the next three words. " I forgive you." The words struck him like cold water. Refreshing and striking all at once.

Is this happening? Did she really just... Time seemed to slow down and freeze, she was talking, something about Howlingsong, but he wasn't sure what. He didn't care his heart seemed to be knitting itself back together. Her words sewing between the broken pieces pulling them into a whole unit. He blinked rappidly and time seemed to flash forward she stood before him looking up her bright blue eyes dancing with an emotion he couldn't quite place. Compassion? Was it so simple. He blinked his eyes as round as a fishes, he didn't know what to think. He opened his mouth to reply, to thank her, to tell her how much he cared for her, but he couldn't his mouth was drier than the stream bed in green leaf. He flicked his ears and moved his mouth trying to force his vocal cords to respond. Nothing, no response. He stopped moving his jaw sure he looked like a fish, gulping in air looking for water. He blinked again and time seemd the flash again and he realized she had spoken once more. "I want to know you too"

He flicked his ears and suddenly he was back in himself. He was there reality had sunk in, he wasn't dreaming, she'd forgiven him. his persistence had paid off. He looked into her eyes, his own sea green orbs shinning with love, and gratitude. He leaned forward and pressed his forehead against hers, closing his eyes and drinking in the feeling of her fur against his. Such a little connection, but for so long he'd dreamed of this moment. His eyes flooded with tears and he held them tight shut not wanting to shame her. They were not tears of sadness, but tears of joy, tears of love. He purred deep in his throat and it resonated through his whole body from his ears to his tail tip. He felt her forehead against his and it seemed to seep into him warming some of the spots in his body that had turned cold, his heart, most of it was pieced together and had begun pumping again. He knew that some of it never would be recovered, unless he connected with Blackpaw this way.

He spoke, finally, his voice soft and barely audible but he was sure she could hear him. "Thank you Starlingpaw...I look forward to getting to know you better...like I should have all along." He wanted to tell her of his fears, he wanted to tell her the fears he had about his new litter, but He didn't want to ruin this moment, didn't want this moment to end. He didn't want to pull away from her, didn't want to loose that connection with her. But he had to, he had to confess to someone, someone who understood, and wouldn't invalidate his fears. "Starlingpaw...I have some suspicions... suspicions about your mother..." He spoke the words softly pulling back from her but only just a mouselength. Only far enough to look into her her eyes. A tear slid from his eye and down his chin. Around his cheek and down his chest.

'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...

(Lyrics Credit to "Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman)

[starlingpaw.]

Sadness pierced her heart. Where had all of those days gone, where she wasn't allowed to see her father? When Howlingsong had forbade her and her brother from seeing him? She remembered, back when she was very young, that her parent's relationship had died somehow. Had they fought over Blackpaw and her's fur color? That was it, yes. It had been a childish, stupid fight, but somehow they had stitched their remaining love together to form a new relationship. This time the threads weren't as strong it seemed. Darkthorn and her so-called mother rarely talked to each other anymore. Is that because you've been ignoring your own family? a nagging little voice asked her. She winced visibly, sending a thorn-sharp stab to her stomach. Starlingpaw was actually a bit sorry that she'd ignored them - it wasn't very professional to just go around trying to cause pain. Or nice. But you aren't nice. You're the mean, hard, cold Starlingpaw, apprentice of RiverClan. You can hurt anyone you want to without even batting an eye. That's who you're supposed to be, she told herself, bright blue eyes flashing with melancholy. Maybe it was all her fault that Darkthorn and Howlingsong didn't have a good relationship. All my fault...?

She stared up at the gray-and-white tom she called her father. Who was he, really? She couldn't even answer that question about her father. She looked nothing like him or Howlingsong, she being a pale brown tabby she-cat. Maybe that was why he was so upset when she and Blackpaw were birthed? The black apprentice shook herself, trying to toss away the painful memories as if they were just a leaf or a ball of moss. It didn't work unfortunately - they haunted her until she was sick. But when she glanced up at her dad with beaming, soft eyes, everything faded away in his emerald ones. She had never looked at him like that before... it was a feeling so different that it almost felt unnatural. It was love. She loved the cat that had caused her so much mental pain - that she had thought was the bad guy. But Darkthorn was also hurt in the process... Darkthorn looked like he was stunned, and he couldn't speak. That's alright, dad. I understand. I'm quite shocked, myself. She was about to make a joke, something she did often, that he looked like a deer in front of a Twoleg monster when he stared at her like that, when he touched his forehead to her's. It was a simple and affectionate gesture that it nearly knocked her off of her feet. She was so used to Darkthorn being distant... But he wasn't. He was actually a caring cat. The moment didn't last long because Starlingpaw had savored it like the time she'd spent with her brother. Everything was at peace.

"Of course, dad." It was the first time speaking that word to him. Even though she'd thought it before, she'd never told him his actual name to her before, especially if it came out of love. It was the first time she'd felt anything toward Darkthorn, unless it was hatred or bitterness. She was so happy at that moment that it seemed like nothing could destroy it. It was a perfect, but nothing lasts forever. Darkthorn turned his worried green eyes onto her, blue meeting emerald. Why were they so upset looking? He'd just gotten his daughter back! She was about to feel crushed when he told her what was on his mind. Then she understood clearly, just like looking into a crystal clear pool full of colorful koi. He had suspensions. About Howlingsong. Really... who didn't? She was a lying, cheating, good-for-nothing, pathetic excuse for a cat and a mother. She didn't even deserve to live for that matter. But Starlingpaw wasn't filled with hate. Only sad curiosity clouded her once-bright eyes. "What is it?" she asked quietly, as if her mother was right behind her and just about to start listening. And maybe she was. She was Howlingsong, after all.

[Darkthorn]

Darkthorn

When you were in trouble that crooked little smile
could melt my heart of stone

He looked into her eyes. his green orbs dancing with the concern and worry that he was about to give words. He wasn't even sure this was a good idea but the thoughts had been eating him alive for a long time. He flicked his tail and realized that his paws had stopped shaking. He wasn't afraid anymore. Something had changed within him. Something had been shifted, almost as if his insecurities were dwindling as he was caught in those beautiful blue orbs that stared back at him. he looked away suddenly ashamed of his desire to betray his mate. He didn't want to bring down her reputation in her daughters eyes. She already hates her...you won't be doing anymore damage. For once he didn't force the small voice from his head. it was true. He couldn't do any more damage to their relationship. He looked back at his daughter and his eyes pleaded with her, hoping for a moment that she would disagree with him, but he had a sneaking suspicion that she would not.

He shook his head and looked at the fish he had caught and smiled slightly looking back to his daughter. He wasn't ready to talk yet, He didn't want to speak against his mate, but the need was so great it tugged at him. His smile faded and was replaced by a stern worried line. Starlingpaw was so strong-willed. So strong. he thought letting his mind wander back to when she was a kit for just a moment before snapping himself back to the present. "We shouldn't let that fish go to waste eh?" He asked and moved toward it laying down on one side tucking his paws under his chest and looking up at her. "Lets talk here, so we are close and no one will overhear us." He spoke softly, feeling as she did that perhaps Howlingsong was hiding in the shadows listening. Thinking of her in this manner, made his heart lurch. He didn't like to think of his mate in such a negative way, but it did give him a bit of a rush to know that he wasn't the only one who sometimes thought of her in such a negative way.

He opened his mouth and the words tumbled from his lips, his biggest fear, suspicion, and worry before he could stop it "I fear they are not my kits..."He flicked his ears and turned his head away to look back toward camp imagining his kits in turn, none of them had his eyes, or his pelt, or his build. Of course they are young...they may grow into it... He shook his head vigorously, they would not grow out of those tabby patches, that he knew. He flicked his ears back against his skull, insecurities again seeming to overwhelm him and drag him down. "How can I be the father I want to be if - if they are not - not my kits?" He asked turning his troubled sea-green gaze back on his eldest daughter. "I don't know that I can forgive Howlingsong if I'm not incorrect." He whispered this sentance fearing that Howlingsong would somehow hear them. He would not be able to live with himself if she overheard and had not infact cheated on him. you won't be able to live with yourself if she HAS cheated on you... He let the thought trail away and he looked up at the stars. If only starclan would answer give him some kind of sign.

Now look at you, I've turned around
and you've almost grown

(Lyrics Credit to "My Little Girl" by Tim Mcgraw)

[starlingpaw.]

Starlingpaw feared that Darkthorn was going to talk of something bad and ruin the moment. But she allowed none of her emotions to be brought out in her eyes this time, only they weren't cold as they were before. Her bright blue eyes were shining with warmth even though her heart was striking with a small bit of anger. The black apprentice wasn't supposed to hate her mom, but somehow her life had been twisted that way. Howlingsong had brought it on herself, after all. Starlingpaw had found out that she was pregnant with her second litter when she was still in the nursery herself. She'd been five moons old, and she remembered the day clearly as if it had just happened yesterday. That day had been a terrible one - it was the day that she realize that she hated her own parents. Blackpaw - a kit at the time, like her - had felt the exact same way as her. They'd talked out their fears and anger with each other, then grew closer. I need to make amends with him. Later I'll tell him that Darkthorn isn't such a bad cat and that Howlingsong is really the mouse-brained one. But Starlingpaw would soon realize that there wouldn't be a later for her brother.

Then she heard her father talking about the fish and that they should probably eat it. With a small shrug, Starlingpaw meowed, "Well, why not? I'm truthfully hungry." She laid down in front of Darkthorn with a small smile on her face despite her mixed feelings. What was going through his head? She was growing impatient that he wouldn't tell her what was up. Then the gray-and-white tom wanted them to talk here, and she was a bit surprised. Why couldn't they talk in camp where it was much warmer? She fluffed out her fur, trying to block out the cold. The night stars shined brightly above her head, reminding the little apprentice that StarClan was always watching, no matter what. They'd seen the breakup of her family, then just now they saw a daughter and father start to stitch it up again. But their family would never be whole. She ducked her head down and took a big bite out of the fish, then waited for Darkthorn to take his share.

Much to her surprise, he began by telling her that he thought that Sparrowkit, Slatekit, Zerokit, and Riverkit weren't his kits. "Do you want to ruin their relationship with you?" she growled lightly, eyes suddenly cross. But she remembered that they looked more like Howlingsong than Darkthorn. They didn't have any features of him, not his build, eyes, pelt color, or any personality traits. But that was as far as she knew - she never went in to see her younger siblings. It was impossible for her to. They were all tabby-and-white cats from what she'd heard from her Clanmates, with slender bodies and powerful back feet. They sounded more like WindClan cats than did RiverClan. Plus, when I was younger I heard that the elders were saying Howlingsong was getting too friendly with a tom from another Clan. Did Darkthorn hear about that? The cats had never told her what Clan he came from and that was probably because they didn't want her to know. But she found out anyway. Starlingpaw decided to voice up her thoughts, "Well, I do have to admit that they look more like WindClan cats. I mean, sound. I've never seen them before. Blackpaw told me that they were tabby-and-white, right? That sounds more like Howlingsong. But you can't be too careful." She paused, wondering whether or not to tell him this. It was for his own good - and there was a chance that he'd heard about it in a Gathering or just within the Clan. "The elders said that she'd been getting friendly with a cat from another Clan. A tom. Maybe it's a possibility that they're his kits, not yours."

[Darkthorn]

Darkthorn

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There is no one else that I can say this to
And there is nothing better than to talk to you

As he waited for her to join him he felt the breeze kick up around him and he fluffed out his fur trying to stave off the cold. Leaf-bare was upon them for sure now. He could smell the cold tang of snow in the air, it's crisp cold hitting his nose like tiny claws. She too had fluffed out ehr coat but it was harder to tell in the dark, he knew he looked like a fluffy cloud with angry splotches ready to drop rain on the unsuspecting cat's below. He smiled at that thought. He watched her lean down and take a bite of the fish before he had spoken last, and that image of her bitting his catch sent a surge of pride pulsing through his veins. She really had forgiven him. He wasn't sure why but her simple gesture of camaraderie and family made him catch his breath. He was lucky.

He leaned forward and took a small bite of the fish remembering how her stomach had growled earlier. He could catch something on the way back to camp. For a moment he thought of his apprentice. He wondered what Frostpaw was doing, probably sleeping. he thought and flicked his tail lightly. He'd never known the young tom to step out of line, but he glanced over his shoulder quickly. It wasn't unlike an apprentice to try and prove his skills by tracking his mentor on a late night adventure. He didn't scent him or see the white pelt glowing in the moonlight. He released a sigh, letting go of the anxiety he felt as the air passed over his lips forming a cloud in front of his slightly parted jaws. It was cold.

His ears flicked forward as Starlingpaw spoke of her suspicions, and her own knowledge it seemed. He dug his claws into the ground as he felt his reality begin to shift. No it's just the way the elders talk...that's what she always said. He thought to himself trying to quell the fear and anger churning in his stomach. Perhaps that bite of fish was to much... he thought passively trying to pass off his feelings to himself. He shook his head and opened his mouth to speak but paused looking into his daughters eyes. He had ruined their moment and he was sorry. He hadn't come up here entirely to betray his mate. but he had needed someone in whom he could confide. He would make it up to her...some how. "She always said the elders were all talk...that the didn't know what they were talking about..." He said and flicked his ears. He tried to think back over the few gatherings he'd been to. He wasn't one who liked them particularly. All the clans together, so many cats around all pressing together. HE shuddered just thinking about it. He didn't remember her being friendly with anyone. He remembered her disappearing some but she was more social than he was. He tended to stay at the back, with his few clanmates, and watch silently. That is when he was forced to go.

He shook his head. He wasn't sure he wanteds to hear this. He didn't want to think his mate was cheating on him...not to mentions breaking the warrior code. He flicked his tail dismissing the subject from his head. "I dont' want to talk about this anymore..." He mewed softly and forced his attention back to his daughter. "I want tonight to be about us. About you and me. I want to learn all I can about you. You're favorite prey, places to hunt, favorite kind of training. What your mentor is teaching you." HE flicked his ears forward and looked at her beautiful eyes, captivated by them. His own were full of excitement and wonder, and the opportunity starclan had given him. He wanted to be close to her, be friends with her. He smiled at the thought and flicked his tail in contentment. No matter what his mate was or wasn't doing. He at least had reconciled with Starlingpaw and that's what mattered.

If you have a problem I'll be here for you
'Cause girl you always know that Its Us Against The World

(Lyrics Credit to "Us Against the World" by Play)

[starlingpaw.]

All of the sudden she wasn't hungry. Her stomach felt rotten but was growling like she was still starved. But it had twisted with disguised pain. All she could think about was how much she disliked Howlingsong and her new kits. They're Darkthorn's, too... she reminded herself. She had to kept telling herself that over and over again. Now that her father had pointed that out, she couldn't shake the image of their tabby-and-white pelts, the slim build and powerful back legs, how much they didn't look like Darkthorn. Starlingpaw and Blackpaw hadn't looked like him, but she knew for a fact that she was his kit. But she also didn't look a bit like her mother either, and those kits did resemble Howlingsong in one way or another. If you looked past the WindClan-like looks, then any cat could see that they all looked similar to each other. He must be pretty torn up. With his second litter and no kit looks a thing like him still. But Starlingpaw did look a bit like her father if one got past their pelt colors. Their features were almost exact - they had the same shape of faces, noses, ears, and eyes.

He'd still probably want to know why his kits didn't really look like real RiverClan ones - ones that everyone knew for a fact came from purebred RiverClan warriors. They were supposed to be sleek and burly - like she and Blackpaw had been when they were about the same age as the four new kits. She'd been strong and powerful, mostly with good shoulder muscles used for swimming rather than back leg ones used for jumping. That was another reason why she knew she was full RiverClan and that Sparrowkit, Slatekit, Riverkit, and Zerokit could be something different. Accusing Howlingsong could lead to not having a family anymore or just me and Blackpaw. He might want to be careful so that history doesn't repeat itself.

"Maybe she said that so you wouldn't believe them," she suggested helpfully, although it was obvious that she was bored of the subject or just didn't really want to talk about it. She yawned quietly, showing off small white teeth. It was probably around moonhigh, she guessed when she took a glance up at the dark sky. Any other night she would be tucked into bed, sleeping like a newborn kit. Any other night she would be dreaming of Blackpaw, running through a golden meadow with him, catching mice for their adopted parents. But any other night she wouldn't be out here forgiving her father, disliking her mother, and wondering if the four new kits were purebred. Or talking behind Howlingsong's back with her mate. At this time of night she'd be sleeping. If I'm not ready for training in the morning, Stagshadow won't be very happy, that grumpy old badger.

Starlingpaw shook herself, reminding her that she was still with her father. "Okay," Starlingpaw was happy to drop the subject on Howlingsong. She decided to open herself up and tell Darkthorn a little bit about herself. It would take some time to make up for what he had missed, but maybe if they spent some nights like this together it could be possible. "Well, I do love fish," she started off with a purr. Didn't all RiverClan cats love fish, though? "I like hunting at night because that's when I can blend in the most. But Stagshadow usually takes me out at sunhigh and I think he does it on purpose. Not too long ago I trespassed into ShadowClan's land - actually, it was the night I was made an apprentice - and he was angry with me. But he's funny, 'cuz I'm not scared of him and I think he knows it. So I think that's what makes him harder on me. I don't really care where I'm hunting as long as I'm doing it for RiverClan." She was so busy talking about herself that she almost forgot to ask him to tell about himself. "So what about you? I bet you're more exciting than me."