when you're gone. [darkthorn]

[starlingpaw.]

Blackpaw loved the lake. It was his favorite place to be. He could get away from the Clan and just lay there in the sand with his paws in the murky water, even go for the occasional swim if the weather was warm. The sound, he told Starlingpaw one day, somehow relaxed him. When the lake water hit the bank, it made a sucking noise that when she had thought about it that day, it almost lulled her into sleep. It was like a lullaby. Beautiful bright blue eyes stared out into the darker sea of midnight that reflected the rising sun. How long had she been out here by the lake? Starlingpaw tried to get to her paws, but her bones groaned in protest. As did her stomach. To pass the time, she lazily flicked her tail then attempted to concentrate on the time. It was almost dawn, and the dark sky was starting to lighten with pink and dull purple streaks. The stars were disappearing under a blanket of red. Soon the dawn patrol would come back to camp and report of nothing new, and Stagshadow would go to wake her from her sleep. Only he wouldn't find her. As she sat there, memory came crashing down on her like enfolding darkness.

Blackpaw was dead. He was slaughtered by another cat the night that Darkthorn and her had made up for their mistakes. His mistakes, rather. Starlingpaw was merely trying to be the better person by accepting the past. The Clan had buried Blackpaw, all unaware that he had been murdered accepted maybe Crimsonstar and Duskmist. Starlingpaw, being the stubborn she-cat she was, refused to show her pain to the Clan, but inside she was dying. Her legs wobbled pitifully, then she fell into the sand altogether, creating a huge dust cloud. She just couldn't believe that her only brother was dead. Now she was all alone. She couldn't talk with her father; her own mother didn't even like her. The black apprentice clenched her teeth with sadness, wanting nothing more than the lake to be frozen so she could crack the ice and fall into the cold depths and never be seen again. It had been about a half moon since Blackpaw was killed, and every second of the day she thought of him. She slacked off of training. And now she was skipping it altogether. Stagshadow would find her soon and be furious.

Whatever. He was just the dumb old deputy. Not like he was leader or anything. If Crimsonstar came strolling along, with was highly unlikely, then maybe she'd feel upset. No, her mentor would show up soon and chew her butt off for missing training. Again, her stomach growled, and she thought about the last time she'd eaten. Two sunrises ago. No wander why the cat in the reflection looked so gaunt and slender. A few more days of no food she'd look like a WindClan cat. But that didn't matter. Food would come tonight most likely, if she was feeling up to moving. She'd snuck out last night from camp after she was sent to beg, but now she couldn't peel herself off of the ground. No matter how hard she tried, it seemed like her legs were glued to the sand. Either that or she was too weak - or tired - to do anything but lay there calmly and gaze at the lake. Her eyes shifted toward ThunderClan territory, and she wondered for a second how it was like to be in another Clan. If she had been born somewhere else, then she would have a mother that loved her. A father with no mistakes. A sibling that was still alive.

[Darkthorn]

Darkthorn

That I love you, I have loved you all along
And I miss you, been far away for far too long

His paws had found no solace, no rest in the last half a moon. He'd thrown himself into his duties as the loss of his eldest son weighed heavily on his partially healed but mostly still broken heart. He seized upon every opportunity for a patrol, or a hunt. He rarely was seen in his nest. Most said it was because the leafbare had been so tough thus far and he was an honorable warrior trying to care for his clan. Some said that this would make him a good deputy someday. But those closest to him those select few new that his reasoning was much more selfish. He was aching deeply for the loss of the son whom he never knew. He'd regained his daughter, but that same night he'd lost his son forever. He shook his head throwing in violently from side to side. trying to rid himself of the vision.

His dreams had been filled with Blackpaw. He'd chased him almost every night since his death, trying to catch him, to tell him how sorry he was, but he was never fast enough, never able to make it before something horrible happened. His head hung low his body exhausted from lack of food, and overwork. His bones were clearly visible under his pelt. His pelt, which normally shown brilliant white and dark grey with the glisten of a Riverclan warrior, was now as dull as Windclan fur. His eyes wandered over the ground in front of him, not seeing anything that was before him. His paws, tired though they were, were carrying him far from camp,but not by choice. The tom was mostly asleep on his feet, his mind wandering to his dreams and his broken heart.

It took him a moment to recognize the scent when it finally hit him. He lifted his head and parted his jaws taking a deep breath, drawing it over his scent glands, just to be sure. His eyes wandered over the ground before him which was turning to sand and pebbles, and found the black pelt. He paused, not sure what he wanted to do. He looked out toward the lake, past his eldest daughter and closed his eyes. He felt the wind brush back his fur, and though it was cold, he had the ungainly desire to rush the lake and go for a swim. His ears flicked forward and caught the gentle rolling of the waves against the shore and he sighed, his body taking in the sounds, scents and feelings of his favorite place. This is where he came to think, to clear his head, to get away from the Hustle and bustle of camp. "I love it here." He mewed softly, but loud enough for Starlingpaw to hear. "It's peaceful and quiet." His eyes opened and he padded forward sitting down near her and staring out at the lake.

I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore

(Lyrics Credit to "Far Away" by Nickleback)

[starlingpaw.]

Wishes never came true for Starlingpaw. She wanted her mother to love her - or had wanted. She wanted Darkthorn to leave her alone and never speak to her again, and look where that got her. But at least they actually had a relationship instead of pretending that each other didn't exist. That was the only upside to that. Starlingpaw hadn't wanted her mother to have more kits, because they would be like a replacement of her and Blackpaw. And look, they were. When was the last time Howlingsong had even attempted to talk to her? Not even when Blackpaw was murdered. No sympathy whatsoever. So maybe that wish did come true, and much as she had loved her mom in the past. Howlingsong would never be forgiven. Darkthorn was something trickier. He had ignored her her whole life until now. I mean, why now? She had a little inkling of distrust for her father ignite her heart, engulfing her chest. For some reason there was something that he was hiding. Was there? Maybe he wasn't hiding something... maybe it was Howlingsong. Hadn't he told her that Howlingsong was acting different and that he didn't think those four new kits were his? He was overreacting. Even Howlingsong wouldn't be that disloyal. But as of now, Starlingpaw wasn't so sure.

A voice. Talking to her. She didn't register it for a few long moments. Who in the name of StarClan was it? She flinched, realizing that it was probably Stagshadow here to chew her out. Her sad blue gaze caught a flash of a gray-and-white pelt. Green eyes. A name was caught in her hoarse throat. Darkthorn. Instead of replying, she hissed out a dusty sigh and rested her head on her paws. The lake was getting more and more interesting as the seconds slowly rolled by. Did he expect her to reply or something? The last time she had had idol talk was before Blackpaw was killed. She thought about her brother again. He couldn't have known that the lake was her brother's favorite place, right? Darkthorn had never known the real Blackpaw. No, only Starlingpaw could actually say that she knew him. The rest of the Clan didn't even care about him, even after death.

It would take more that small talk to get her to open her mouth. Starlingpaw licked the inside of her mouth, tasting dryness that tasted like sun-baked sand. Her stomach rumbled quietly into the pebbles below. The lake was actually pretty interesting - she saw what Blackpaw did when he was still alive. Pretty dark blue waves, a bit lighter than the night sky, with flashes of silver, promising fish. Across from RiverClan territory was ThunderClan's - a bunch of tall oak trees. To her right was WindClan territory, rolling hills. ShadowClan's territory was to her left - eerie, silent, and dark pine trees. She smelled the disgusting scent even from by the lake. It was horrid. Her nose twitched. How could the smell drift from there all the way to here? It was nearly impossible. Starlingpaw thought about her encounter with the ShadowClan cats - Nightclaw and Redpaw - just to get her thoughts away from a certain brown-eyed black-furred tom. But it wasn't working. The more she thought about the world made her think of her family, which brought thoughts of Blackpaw. Instead, she blocked everything out and turned herself off. Going blank.

[Darkthorn]

Darkthorn

This time, this place
Misused, mistakes

Her silence didn't worry him. It didn't hardly phase him. He understood grief, perhaps better than anyone. He'd lost his parents, and a sibling since he was born over 36 moons ago. He flicked his tail and turned to lick his shoulder. He didn't want to push her, didn't want her to feel as though she needed to get away from him. He took a deep breath, but his eyes never left the lake water. He watched it, coming in and out slowly, but fairly constant. He flicked his ears and tilted his head to the side. "This is my favorite place in all the territories around the lake." He said blinking slowly and continuing to contemplate the lake and pain and grief. He lifted his head and glanced at the sky, the clouds passed slowly, much less constant than the lake, much less of a philosophical option. He looked back at the lake seeing pieces of wood, which seemed like they had originated from Thunderclan or Shadowclan, now it had drifted across the lake, a seemingly large amount of water and space, yet here they were drifting up on the bank. Who knew how long it took them to make their journey across the water. Who knew how many other bits of wood would never make it to the Riverclan shore.

As he contemplated these thoughts, he let a half smile cross his lips and he felt as though he'd just acquired the secret of Starclan. He flicked his tail around his paws and spoke to his eldest daughter, his voice soft and as comforting as he could make it. "Life is like the lake." He said, "We're pushed along through life like driftwood, sometimes deciding which way we want to turn or go, but mostly we end up somewhere we've never been. At a place we've never imagined existed. Somewhere we aren't from." He straightened his head softening his gaze on the lake. "Some don't make it to the other shore. Some of us drift to the bottom of the lake, seemingly forgotten by the rest. Yet still others are stolen from the lake, taken away from their journey, by birds, for nests, or twolegs for who knows what. But those pieces serve a greater purpose. Their purpose is to give way so those pieces that reach the shore have a better chance of being noticed, being respected for their journey. But those stolen, or fallen away before the journey's end will never be forgotten, least of all by those whom were it. To those pieces who were closest to the fallen driftwood, whom traveled the longest together, it's always harder to accept."

At this point his attention turned to focus on his daughter. "Those closest to the lost always feel the worst pain." He mewed softly, lifting his tail from around his paws and laying it gently across Starlingpaws shoulders. "It's good to remember him. To miss him. To desire justice for his unfair death." His eyes searched hers, wishing he knew what to say. Wishing he could start over, be there for her from the beginning. Perhaps if he had been, Blackpaw never would have been murdered. He shook his head. "I didn't mean to intrude on you. If you like I can go talk to Stagshadow, perhaps give you until moonrise tonight, before he notices your absence." He knew that his words would fall to blank ears, and he didn't even know if she had heard him, but in his heart, the important thing was that she knew he was there, that he cared, and that he would protect her.

Too long, too late
Who was I to make you wait?

(Lyrics Credit to "Far Away" by Nickleback)